hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
