My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize