if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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