you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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