I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
