I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
