My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
