They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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