after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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