chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
