Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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