There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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