She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
