when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
