I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
