is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
