I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
whose parrot is this?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
