just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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