I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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