We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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