Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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