P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
