it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
