You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
