The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
