I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize