Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
