I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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