Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
