I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
