my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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