I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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