When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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