I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
