Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
