Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
