What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
