I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize