Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
