I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
