I am spending my child support on dildos
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
