OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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