he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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