im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
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