First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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