I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
