eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
