my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
