Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
