For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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