why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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