they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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