It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
