Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
