when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
