Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize