did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
