My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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