mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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