Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize