forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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